Cucumbers

P recalls his latest meal with F, F's "friend", and an out-of-town-guest; P, curious to know where the conversation would go next, turns on his video camera…

P: So, what would you like to talk about?

[pause]

F: [giggling like a pervert in a sex toy shop] I have another question…hee, hee.

P: Another question about what, F?

F: Have you ever thought about anal penetration? [clearly unaware that he has asked us all this very question 50 times; he already knows the answer!]

P: About what?

F: [oblivious to the fact that we all heard him, as did the table behind us] Anal penetration!

F's "friend": [blushing]

P: Why would I ever think about that?

F: I mean, as an individual. You're a smart… [Editor's note: no idea what thinking about anal penetration has to do with being an individual or smart.]

P's out-of-town-guest: [earnestly] Do you recommend it to heterosexuals too?

F: I would try…because it's different.

P: What's different?

F: It's like…well, have you ever tried ice cream?

[pause]

P's out-of-town-guest: What flavour ice cream is it like?

F: Chocolate! It like you have never tasted chocolate ice cream and you eat it for the first time! [very camp] It's like, "oh my god!" But, like haven't you ever even tried with a finger up your ass? [visual simulation of what the finger might look like]

P's out-of-town-guest: You haven't done that, P?

P: No.

P's out-of-town-guest: What about a cucumber?

P: Yes.

F: [unaware of sarcasm] Oh, really!!!

P: Come on?! Everyone's tried to put a cucumber up their ass.

F: [still unaware of sarcasm] Oh no, I don't think they have!

P: [to F's "friend"] You?

[no answer...gurgling sound and change of topic]